Mission Impossible
by dark-spirited Bakura
Summary: Konan thinks that Pein is ready to snap, so now she's carrying out Mission Impossible: To straighten out the Akatsuki into a somewhat sane organization! On Hiatus.
1. The Plan

**You knew this day would come eventually! I hope this fic is kinda successful because I really like this idea *insert cute chibi face here* Please read and review! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Zetsu would go on random eating sprees in Konoha. **

**Summary: Konan thinks that Pein is ready to snap, so now she's carrying out Mission Impossible: To straighten out the Akatsuki into a somewhat sane organization!**

**Warnings: Some swear words (well Hidan _is_ in the story), lots of terrifying Konan moments, and much more to come! There's only pairings if you want to see them.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

Pein stared disbelievingly at the sight before him. He wasn't surprised, but he still couldn't believe how childish S-rank criminals could be.

Sasori was chasing Deidara with what looked like Hiruko's tail, screaming about having to repair it while the blonde giggled maniacally and threw bombs behind him as he ran away from the crazed redhead.

Kakuzu was stabbing Hidan repeatedly in the chest for stealing money out of his room, while the Jashinist whistled like nothing was happening, watching a large amount of blood appear on the carpet.

Itachi and Kisame looked like they had engaged in a staring contest, until the latter ran out of the room, screaming something about 72 hours and sushi.

Zetsu was having an argument with himself, and looked like he was in danger of starting a slap fight with himself.

And Tobi… well he was just being Tobi. He was jumping up and down on the couch, laughing and kept repeating the word la in a singsong fashion. Pein vaguely wondered how in the world the famed Madara Uchiha could keep up such a happy-go-lucky, idiotic, carefree personality.

Konan stood behind the leader, calm façade displaced by the dangerous aura beginning to surround the blue-haired kunoichi.

"Everyone calm down, we're supposed to be having a meeting right now," Pein said hopelessly. Sometimes he wondered how much authority he really held over the Akatsuki as they continued in their various activities. He'd just have to switch methods.

"One week vacation for everyone if you all be silent!" Nope still nothing. The only reaction he'd gotten is a disinterested look from Zetsu as the black half continued to argue with the white half.

He sighed heavily, casting a glance at Konan that clearly said "help me."

"BOYS!" she yelled. "IF EVERYONE DOESN'T SETTLE DOWN IMMEDIATELY, KAMI HELP ME I'LL–"

She didn't even need to finish her sentence to shut every single person in the room up. She smiled. "Thank you."

Even Pein was scared now. Damn that woman could be scary. Clearing his throat, he swept his gaze over the now attentive group sitting on the various couches around the room. "Now we need to go over the agenda for this week's missions."

"Boring, un," Deidara said, yawning.

Konan looked at the blonde. "Did you say something, Deidara?" she asked sweetly. The bomber's eyes widened, and he shook his head vigorously.

"No, un!" he squeaked. Sasori smirked at his partner's discomfort.

"Good," the kunoichi said in the same sweet voice. "Please continue, Pein."

"So yeah, onto this week's missions," he said. "Itachi and Kisame…" he trailed off, noticing that the shark-nin was not present in the room. "Where's Kisame?"

"He is currently suffering the after-effects of being rolled into sushi for 72 hours," Itachi replied in a bored tone.

"I…see…" Pein said, slowly losing his grip on sanity. "Anyways I want you and your partner to go to Konoha and collect as much information on the nine-tails Jinchuuriki as you can." The Uchiha nodded.

"Kakuzu and Hidan, first of all I want you to clean up that blood on the floor, second of all–"

"Both of us have to fucking clean it up? It was the old man's fault. Damn heathen," Hidan retorted.

"It _is_ your blood, Hidan. That makes you at least partially responsible, doesn't it? And you should know by now not to mess with my money," Kakuzu growled.

Pein closed his eyes and counted to ten slowly in his head. "After you _both_ clean it up, there's a daimyo in Yukigakure that I want assassinated," he said, opening his eyes again.

"Fuck yeah! Assassination!" Hidan cheered.

"As long as there's good pay," Kakuzu said, glaring at his easy-to-please partner.

"Good. Zetsu and Tobi – yes Tobi?" Pein sighed, as the masked nin shot his hand up in the air.

"Tobi is a good boy, Leader-san!" he said happily. The leader's eye twitched.

"Yes, we know. Now I want you to spy on Orochimaru for a bit and notify us of his latest plans, experiments, and so on."

"Bone meal," black Zetsu muttered.

"Cow manure," white Zetsu said.

"Erm… what?" Pein stared at him like he'd gone crazy.

"Zetsu-san is arguing with himself about which fertilizer works best, Leader-san!" Tobi said, giggling. "Tobi thinks it's funny."

Without a word, he turned to the last two Akatsuki members who needed to be assigned their mission. Unfortunately, they were already busy.

"Eternal."

"Fleeting!"

"Eternal."

"It's fleeting, Danna un!"

"You're wrong, it's eternal, brat."

"Hiruko wasn't very eternal, un!"

"…"

"…"

"I'm going to kill you, you stupid brat!"

"Un! Help!"

Pein felt the last of his sanity leaving as he watched Sasori jump on top of Deidara and try to strangle him. "Deidara, Sasori, I want you two to do some recon around Amegakure, make sure things are running smoothly."

"No problem, Leader, un!" Deidara yelped as he and the puppeteer were pushed off the back of the couch by an irritated Hidan. They landed on the other side with a thump, fight continuing.

"You're all dismissed," Pein said, waving his hand. To his relief, the Akatsuki filed out relatively quickly, after some "encouraging" words from Konan.

The leader sighed, plopping down on one of the abandoned couches. "Sometimes I wonder how I haven't lost my mind yet. It's like dealing with a bunch of psychopathic five-year olds."

That's when Konan got her brilliant idea. She smiled evilly, and Pein looked at her worriedly, knowing that smile meant that someone was either going to get decapitated, murdered brutally, or tortured. Or maybe all three.

She left the room with that smile plastered to her face, getting ready to begin her master plan. Pein felt bad for the poor soul (or souls) that had to suffer her wrath.

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><p><strong>What'd you think? I hope you liked it! Please review, I need reviews to live! I know I should be working on my other fanfic, but I had a sudden burst of inspiration for this story! I was ambushed by plot bunnies! Anyways see you next chapter!<strong>


	2. It Has Begun

**By popular demand, here is Chapter 2 of Mission Impossible! Sorry it took so long to update, I've been working on my other fanfic *laughs nervously* Anyways please read and enjoy the wrath of… Konan! Remember to review!**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 2<span>**

As Konan walked down the hallway where everyone's rooms were located, she wondered who she should start with.

"Hand it over, you cheap ass old man!"

"Let go, you Jashin obsessed freak!"

Yep, she'd start with those two. The kunoichi calmly walked into Hidan and Kakuzu's room, where they were each pulling on one end of Hidan's red three-pronged scythe while yelling insults.

"Money whore!"

"Masochist!"

"Fucking seamstress!"

"Stripper!"

"Ah, touché!"

Konan stared at them as they continued to tug on each end of the scythe as hard as they could, each trying to get the upper hand. She walked right up to them. "May I ask what you two are doing?" she asked sweetly.

Both stopped in their tracks, giving Konan a worried look. "Um… heh… Kakuzu was just giving me this back," Hidan laughed nervously, yanking on his scythe. The weapon remained in Kakuzu's hands. "I said Kakuzu was just fucking giving me this back!" he said louder, yanking on it again.

"If I give it back you're just going to get blood all over the place again!" Kakuzu said, not releasing his grip. "Then I'll have to pay for dry cleaning for the third time this week!"

Konan sighed dramatically. "You leave me no choice. Give me the scythe," she said, holding out her hand.

The masked nin gave her an incredulous look while Hidan cheered. "Thank you Konan! I knew you were going to be on my side!"

"I never said I was going to give it back to you. I'm going to confiscate it, along with any other pointy objects you may own," the kunoichi replied, smiling as the happy look on the immortal's face disappeared.

"B-b-b-but…" for once in his life, Hidan was left speechless. Kakuzu sighed in relief.

"You're a life saver," he said, handing his end of the scythe to her.

"Oh it's no problem," Konan said sweetly. "And I'd like to inform you that Kisame will officially be taking over your job as Treasurer."

Kakuzu's face fell even faster than Hidan's had, and he seemed completely devastated. "M-m-my m-money," he cried. "NOOOOOO!"

"It's okay, I feel you buddy," Hidan said, crying as well.

As Konan walked out of the room with the scythe, she smiled with satisfaction. A job well done. That would save the whole Akatsuki a lot of trouble.

She set the weapon against the wall in her room, and tried to decide who to fix up next. She answered her own question as an explosion rocked the hideout. Time to pay a visit to a couple of artists.

Konan opened her door, only to see a blonde and red blur zoom past. "Can't catch me, Danna un!" Deidara said, laughing.

"Get back here, brat!" Sasori yelled. "That makes two puppets that you've exploded today with that pitiful excuse for art!"

"You should be happy, un! That was a beautiful explosion! Perfectly good art, if I do say so myself!"

Konan shook her head. "Oh dear, looks like something's going to have to be done about this," she said cheerfully, walking after them. "Boys!" she yelled.

The artists ceased their chase, turning around to look at her. "Are you talking to us, un?" Deidara asked, offended. Sasori immediately elbowed him in the stomach.

"Yes, in fact I was talking to you, _Deidara,_" Konan said, narrowing her eyes. "I believe something needs to be done about you two constantly fighting like this."

"I agree," Sasori said, nodding solemnly.

"Suck up, un," Deidara muttered.

"What was that?" Konan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Suck up, un," he repeated.

"That's what I thought," the kunoichi said, smiling. "Now for your punishments. Deidara, I'm confiscating all of your clay. Every last bit of it."

"No you can't do that!" the bomber wailed, so distraught he forgot to say "un" after his sentence.

"Serves you right, brat," Sasori grinned.

"And Sasori, I'm also taking custody of your puppet collection. Including Hiruko." The redhead's face went completely blank as he gazed off into the distance.

"Also, neither of you are allowed to talk about art all week. Got it?"

They nodded numbly. Konan turned around and headed to the artists' room.

"Life is so unfair, Danna, un!" Deidara sniffed, crying on his shoulder. The redhead simply nodded, absently patting the blonde's head.

Konan felt satisfied with herself as she looked at the huge pile of clay and puppets that now lay on the floor of her room. "That's four down, four to go," she chuckled evilly.

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><p><strong>Wow sorry for super short chappie, the rest are definitely gonna be longer than this. What do you think so far? Do you feel bad for Hidan, Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori? Lol the poor souls… Review please! :D<strong>


	3. The Other 4

**I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Late update but I have a really good reason for it! *cue crickets chirping* Yeah I lied I don't… Please forgive me! I hope this chapter is worth the wait! Thanks so much for all the reviews, you guys! They really make me feel all happy inside *sniffles* Anyways prepare yourself… for more Akatsuki torture! Mwuahaha who has to face Konan's wrath this time? Read and review please! Oh and be warned Itachi gets a little OOC in this chappie… hehe.**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 3<span>**

Konan decided that she deserved a little break. She walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge to see what they had. There was some leftover dango (presumably Itachi's), a few sandwiches, and what looked very similar to a human hand.

The blunette sighed as she reached for one of the sandwiches. Refusing to touch the hand directly, she turned some of her arm into paper and carried the hand slowly to the trashcan. At that moment, Zetsu walked into the kitchen.

"What are you doing with that?" Black Zetsu asked accusingly.

"That's our lunch," White Zetsu whined.

"You, my dear friend, are going vegetarian," Konan said matter-of-factly; chucking the hand into the garbage and paper merging back into her arm again.

"Make us," Black Zetsu said firmly.

"Yeah," White Zetsu said smugly.

"All right then," Konan smiled. "If you don't stop eating human flesh, I will cut you in places you never knew you had. Got it?" A murderous gleam shone in her eyes.

In response, Zetsu sadly hung his head and sunk into the floor.

"Meanie," White Zetsu sniffed.

"Agreed," Black Zetsu muttered.

Still smiling, the kunoichi finished off her sandwich (yes, she eats very fast.) "Now that that's settled…" She walked from the kitchen to the first door in the hall. Politely knocking before she entered, she encountered Itachi quietly reading a book; well he was squinting and attempting to read the book. Kisame was rewrapping his sword; fresh white bandages replacing the old, dirty ones.

The shark nin was the first to note her presence. "Hey Konan," he greeted, glancing at her for a second before returning to his beloved Samehada. Itachi merely made a "hn" noise, as was customary.

"Hello Kisame, Itachi," the kunoichi said. "First of all Kisame, I'd like to inform you that you are now the official Treasurer of the Akatsuki."

He looked up, startled. "But isn't that Kakuzu's job? Besides it's a lot of work and I don't think–"

Konan shot him a dangerous look. "Like I said, you are now the official Treasurer of the Akatsuki. Do I make myself clear or do I need to repeat it one more time?'

"You're perfectly clear," Kisame said quickly, wrapping his sword at a faster pace. "I mean, hey, who doesn't want to be Treasurer?" He laughed nervously. "I mean if Kakuzu loves it so much it must be a great job."

"That's what I want to hear, enthusiasm!" Konan said, grinning. "And for you, Itachi."

The Uchiha looked up from his book, still on the same page he had been previously. "What is it?" he asked, bored.

"Put these on," the blunette said, magically pulling a pair of glasses from her coat. "It'll save everyone a whole lot of trouble if you're not constantly running into things because you're going blind."

Itachi simply stared at the glasses, blinking rapidly. "I don't need those, I can see perfectly fine, thank you very much."

Konan put a hand on her hip and sighed. "How many fingers is Kisame holding up?" she asked, looking at the shark nin expectantly. He hurriedly stuck some of his fingers up.

Itachi squinted at his partner for a long time. "Twelve," he finally said, nodding, satisfied with his answer as he went back to his book.

Kisame stared at the four fingers he held up bemusedly. "Hey, 'Tachi? I was only holding up–"

"Well, looks like you do need the glasses," the kunoichi said, handing Itachi the glasses. "Just try them out and see if they help any."

The Uchiha sighed. "Fine, but only for a second." He accepted the spectacles and slowly put them on. His eyes widened so much that it seemed impossible as he looked around the room. "I. Can. See!" he screamed, throwing his hands up in the air and running in circles. "I can see clearly now!" he started to sing, loudly.

Kisame fainted from shock at his partner's sudden display of insaneness, and Konan merely backed out of the room, having done her job.

"Now all that's left is Tobi!" she smirked, enjoying the somewhat now peaceful hideout. There were no expletives being shouted, no explosions, no smell of dead carcasses… yes it was great.

"But wait," Konan said, frowning. "If Tobi is Madara, and Madara is pretty much normal, then doesn't that mean he doesn't need to be fixed?" She pondered this for a moment. "But he acts in such a childish manner around the base, so he must need to be straightened out!" She nodded, satisfied with her logic.

As if on cue, the orange-masked nin barreled through the hallway towards her. "Konan-san!" he shouted. "There's something wrong! Tobi is really worried that Deidara senpai is sick because senpai won't talk to Tobi!"

The kunoichi rolled her eyes. "Okay, let's get one thing straight. There is no need to act so foolish, especially in a place full of S-class criminals."

Tobi sighed, suddenly taking on a more mature appearance. "Konan, you know this is all part of my disguise," he said, talking in a deeper and more serious voice than usual. "I only trust a few within our ranks."

"Yes, but really, do you absolutely need to go to such drastic lengths to assure you aren't found out? I'm sure it would be fine if you could tone down the hyperness a notch."

"Konan–"

"Don't you dare even try to talk back," the blunette said, scowling. "I don't care who you are, you will follow my orders! And I say to tone down the hyperness a notch!" She nearly was in hysterics towards the end.

Tobi groaned. "Fine, you crazy–"

"I wouldn't finish that sentence, if I were you," she said dangerously.

And with just that, Konan sent the great Madara Uchiha running for his life.

"Fantastic!" she said, suddenly cheerful again. "I can already tell that dinner is going to be interesting tonight!"

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><p><strong>So yeah, wasn't exactly as long as I was expecting it to be, but I promise the next chapter will make up for the shortness of these past two. And yes, I do know that Tobi is in fact not Madara, but Konan and Pein don't know that. Hehe. Please remember to review, review, review! It just takes five seconds and gives me tons of happiness! Oh and one more thing, if you've never heard of a YouTube series called Akatsuki Unlimited, you should go watch it right now! Hilarious!<strong>


	4. Dinner Time

**And I'm back with Chapter 4! I am so sorry for the wait, I haven't been able to write anything humorous lately. Anyways… I'm glad you guys are liking this story so far, I'm trying my best to make it funny! You can read it now, I'll stop talking :P Oh yeah and we're back in Pein's point of view…**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 4<span>**

Pein walked into the kitchen, took one look around the quiet room, and walked back out. He rubbed his eyes, knowing he shouldn't have stayed up doing paperwork all night. Satisfied that he was now fully awake, he walked back into the kitchen and sat down at his spot at the head of the table. No change had taken place.

"Hello Pein~!" Konan said cheerfully, setting a plate full of… some sort of food in front of him.

Pein tilted his head to the side, looking at the kunoichi. "Konan what's going on here?" he asked in a mechanical voice, gesturing at the eight deathly quiet missing nin that sat at the table politely eating their food, excluding Sasori who didn't need to eat.

"Dinner of course!" she laughed, sitting down at her own place to the right of the leader. Pein looked around again. Itachi was wearing glasses and actually smiling, Kisame – who was no longer unconscious – was looking very worried, Hidan was not covered in blood, Kakuzu was poking at his food with a far away look in his eyes, Deidara was quiet and not blowing anything up, Sasori was just staring into space, Zetsu wasn't eating a human body, and Tobi… just wasn't Tobi.

"What did you threaten them with? They all look utterly depressed except for Itachi… and he looks very happy… too happy… it's kind of scary… ITACHI STOP SMILING IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!"

The Uchiha looked at him, eyes wide. "But I'm so happy," he said creepily. Kisame promptly fainted again and Deidara scooted as far away from him as possible.

The leader sighed. "Konan what did you do?"

"Nothing," she said innocently. "I have no idea why they're acting like this."

"Who gave Itachi the glasses then?"

"I don't know."

"Why is Hidan using a spoon instead of a fork?"

"Who knows."

"…can you at least tell me what happened to Tobi?"

"Nope."

"She lies, un!" Deidara suddenly shouted, waving his fork wildly in the air and splattering everyone with food. Pein raised an eyebrow. Konan shot a nasty glare his way.

"She took away my clay and took away Sasori Danna's puppets, un! And the worst part is that she told us we weren't allowed to talk about art for a whole week!" The blonde was standing up now, waving his fork even more vigorously.

"You think that's fucking bad, blondie?" Hidan asked darkly. "The damn woman took away every single thing from me that's remotely sharp! How the hell am I supposed to sacrifice heathens now? Lord Jashin is gonna be pissed!"

"My money," was all that Kakuzu said before going back to poking at his food absently.

"If I didn't convert to vegetarianism, she threatened to cut me in places I never knew I had," Zetsu complained.

"Konan-san made Tobi very sad," Tobi said, sniffling.

"I. Can. See!" Itachi screamed.

Kisame said nothing, for he was still unconscious for the second time that day.

"And… you let her do all of this because…?" Pein asked, honestly not seeing why they couldn't have overpowered Konan.

Deidara solemnly sat back down again, bowing his head. "Do you remember how we told you that Paul was run over by a garbage truck, mutilated by a tribe of bears, stung by a horde of angry wasps, attacked by a pack of six year olds with scissors, and then thrown off of a six thousand foot cliff, un?"

The leader nodded slowly, remembering their old subordinate whose body was not recognizable after they found it. "Well… that was all Konan, un. May poor Paul rest in peace." Everybody else nodded.

Pein's face paled visibly. No wonder they were so scared of her… that story had always seemed farfetched to him…

"Well… I guess I can see where you're coming from…" the leader said, laughing nervously. "If I was in your positions I would have done the same. Good job for recognizing a battle you could not win."

Deidara pouted. "Thanks for backing us up, un," he said sarcastically. "We could have used a little help, leader. Besides–"

Before the blonde could say anything else, Sasori put his hand over the bomber's mouth. "If you say anything else, we are going to be in even more trouble than we already are, brat."

Deidara mumbled indignantly, trying to get away from his partner. "Mmff roff carpfffetty, un!"

The blunette sat up straight, no emotion plain on her face. Oh crap, they all were screwed…

"Everyone, after dinner I have something I'd like to tell you. Except for you Pein, of course, you didn't do anything wrong," Konan said, patting his shoulder. "Now finish your food like good little shinobi."

Everyone stared at her for a second before starting to shovel all the food they could into their mouths. Sasori just kept staring after releasing Deidara, amused at how fast one could eat under extreme pressure.

The leader hesitantly took a bite of his and chewed it, looking down at his plate. This actually wasn't too bad… it was actually kind of OH MY KAMI IT MOVED! Pein hurriedly set his fork down and ran from the room as fast as he could.

"Bye~!" Konan said, waving cheerfully. "I'll bring you dessert later!"

Pein ran even faster, not even wanting to think about what dessert would be.

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><p><strong>Bwahahaha I love writing crazy Itachi! It's the funnest thing ever! So anyways… please please please please review! I needs inspiration!<strong>


	5. Get Those Glasses!

**Omg I'm so sorry I keep making you guys wait I'm such a bad person! I just couldn't figure out what to do with this chapter for the longest time… Plus I've been trying to keep up with school lately; I've had so much homework -_- Anyways… read and review! Oh and kudos to you if you can spot the Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged reference!**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 5<span>**

"Now that we're all gathered here," Konan said, gaze sweeping across the room, "we can discuss some important matters."

"But Leader-sama isn't here," Tobi whined. "Why doesn't he have to come?"

"Because he needs his beauty sleep," the kunoichi replied. Everyone sweatdropped.

"He's gonna need a lot more than sleep to improve his beauty," Hidan whispered to Deidara, who chuckled.

"Nice one, un," the bomber whispered back.

Konan's eye twitched. "I can hear you two, you know. I'm sure Pein would love to hear what his comrades say about him behind his back." Deidara opened his mouth to say something, but then Hidan gave him a warning look.

"Ix-nay on the art-smay outhed-may omment-cay!"

The blonde gave him a weird look. "What?"

"Ix-nay on the art-smay outhed-may omment-cay!"

"…"

"He's speaking pig Latin," Kisame whispered helpfully, who had recently been revived from his state of unconsciousness.

"Silly Kisame, un. Pigs don't speak Latin! That wouldn't make any sense, un," Deidara laughed. "Besides, it's a dead language! No one would understand what they were saying!" Sasori facepalmed.

"If you're quite finished…" Konan said irritably.

"I'm not," Itachi said, eyes wide. Everyone gave him creeped out stares. Kisame, thankfully, was starting to get used to his partner's behavior so did not faint this time.

"I don't even want to know what he's talking about," white Zetsu said, disgusted.

"Neither do I…" black Zetsu shuddered.

"Ewww Zetsu senpai! Get your mind out of the gutter!" Tobi cried, waving his arms wildly. Everyone fell quiet once they started hearing banging noises. Looking over, they saw that Kakuzu was repeatedly hitting his head on the wall.

"Must… punish… mind… for… thinking… bad… thoughts…" he said, speaking between hitting the wall with his head. "I… want… my… money…" Hidan's jaw dropped.

"What. The. Hell."

Konan resisted the urge to join in with Kakuzu. She rubbed her forehead in irritation, grinding her teeth together. "Will you all just shut up already?" she almost yelled.

The various noises ceased. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Tobi raised his hand. Konan looked at him. "Yes, Tobi?" she asked in a dangerously calm voice.

"Tobi wants to know if Konan-san put crack in Itachi-san's glasses," the masked nin asked.

"What makes you ask that?" Everyone in the room deadpanned, except for Itachi himself, who kept on staring wide-eyed at the floor.

"Well, Itachi-san has been acting a little crazier than usual ever since Konan-san gave Itachi-san the glasses," Tobi explained.

"A little fucking crazier?" Hidan mused quietly to himself.

"No Tobi, I did not do anything to the glasses before I gave them to Itachi," Konan growled, wanting to get on with the meeting she had called.

"She speaks the truth, best friend," Itachi said, now staring at Tobi. Kisame fainted this time, and everyone else was now completely freaked out.

"Someone needs to get those glasses off of him," Sasori stated.

"I agree with Danna, un," Deidara said.

"Quick, everyone, make a grab for them!" Hidan cried.

"Get them!" both sides of Zetsu yelled.

"I'm going to sell them for money!" Kakuzu screamed.

"Bonzai!" Tobi screeched.

And suddenly there was a huge dog-pile of S-class criminals on the floor, trying to take a pair of spectacles from a lunatic who had murdered his entire clan.

"Aye aye aye," Konan sighed, shaking her head. "Now I know how Pein feels…"

"Hidan, stop kicking me!"

"Deidara, your hand is licking my face, you stupid brat!"

"AAH ZETSU SENPAI STOP TRYING TO EAT TOBI!"

"Don't scream in my ear, un!"

"Damn you heathens for squashing me! I can't fucking breathe!"

"You all look very tasty…"

"I WANT TO KEEP MY GLASSES NOW GET OFF OF ME ALL OF YOU!"

"What's going on here?" Pein asked blearily, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the room. He was dressed in black satin pajamas with red clouds on them and was wearing pink fluffy bunny slippers.

Suddenly everyone was sitting on the couches again, looking as innocent as missing-nins could look.

Itachi looked very disheveled, glasses sitting sideways on his face and hair frizzing out every which way. Zetsu was eying everyone hungrily, which caused them to remain as far away from him as possible. Sasori was trying to dry off a wet spot on his face, a disgusted look on his features. Hidan was still attempting to catch his breath, while Kisame was unconscious on the floor. Tobi looked indifferent, but that was probably because his face was covered up by a mask. Deidara was rubbing his left ear, scowling as he cast annoyed glances at Tobi. And Kakuzu was looking like he wanted to start hitting his head on the wall again.

"Nothing," Konan chirped innocently, walking over to Pein. "We just had a little dispute is all. Now go back to bed."

"…ok…" the leader said, turning around and heading back to his room, not in the mood to find out what really happened.

"Now…" Konan said slowly, returning to stand in front of the Akatsuki, who were looking scared as soon as they saw the look on the kunoichi's face.

"Since this meeting has been a total waste of time so far," she said irritably, "we're going to postpone this until tomorrow. Dismissed."

They all cheered, and ran for their rooms as fast as they could. When they were all gone, Konan started smiling evilly again.

"Just wait… I have something interesting planned for you all…"

* * *

><p><strong>Mwuahaha I couldn't resist… I had to put that Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged reference in there… how many of you found it? If you did, put it in your review! I'll tell you which part it was in the author's note next chapter. And I left you off with a cliffhanger! I am even more evil now! Anyways… you know I love reviews! I promise a quicker update for the next chapter!<strong>


	6. Things Go Bump In The Night!

**Oh my freaking crap I am so so terribly sorry! *is shot* You guys have every right to kill me for being a bad author TT_TT It's the same thing every chapter I tell myself I'm gonna update but then I don't… Okay I officially promise an update every Sunday, starting next week! I hope this crazy and insane and OOC chapter makes up for the ridiculously late update… Please review!**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter 6<span>**

Deidara quietly tiptoed across the dark room, being careful not to trip over anything. He nervously cast glances to his left, making sure the person in the bed didn't stir. Almost there… almost there… just a little further…

"Was there something you needed, Deidara?" a dangerously calm voice asked from behind him.

The blonde froze, turning around to face Konan. "Uh… it's actually a funny story, un," he laughed nervously. "You see, there was this tree -" And he started running, grabbing a bit of his clay on the way out.

"Get back here you loud-mouthed thief!" Konan shouted, wielding a ridiculously large knife and running after him. "You just couldn't wait for morning, could you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Deidara cried. "I just needed to make some art, un! I'm suffering withdrawals!"

"Oh you'll be suffering withdrawals in a minute!" Konan screamed. "That's because I'm going to cut off your legs and feed them to Zetsu! Then you'll be suffering withdrawals from missing limbs!"

"DANNA SAVE ME FROM THE CRAZY WOMAN!"

"Oi, shut the fuck up blondie! Some of us are trying to fucking sleep!" Hidan yelled from his room.

"Did someone call my name?" white Zetsu asked, popping out of the floor.

"I believe we were just offered a midnight snack," black Zetsu said hungrily.

A screaming blonde and blue blur zoomed through the hallways, effectively waking everyone in the base. Deidara hid behind Sasori when he came into sight, grabbing his shoulders and using him as a human… well… puppet… shield.

"What the hell, brat?" the redhead asked irritably. He looked up and immediately his eyes widened once he saw Konan charging at them.

"Your sacrifice will not be in vain, Danna!" Deidara squeaked. "I'll take good care of Hiruko, un!"

"Kami no, I'm not ready to die yet!" Sasori yelled, throwing the blonde back in front of him. Konan let out a war cry as she raised the knife, almost to the artists now.

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi screeched, tackling Konan. "Tobi will save senpai!"

"Itachi is a good boy too!" Itachi screamed, joining Tobi in the tackling.

"It's okay, I'm sure they'll settle it soon Samehada," Kisame said, petting his sword.

"Gigigi," it replied sadly.

"No, you can't eat their chakra."

"…gi."

"I swear to Jashin if you fuckers aren't quiet some damn time soon I'll castrate all of you shit faces!" Hidan yelled. "And then feed your asses to Zetsu!"

"But we don't have any donkeys, Hidan-san!" Tobi yelled back, now holding the giant knife. "Therefore Hidan-san can't feed any asses to Zetsu-san!" Konan tackled the masked nin to the ground again, trying to regain her knife while Itachi cackled madly.

"I'm not sure asses would taste very good, Hidan," black Zetsu scowled as he popped out of the wall.

"Agreed," white Zetsu said, repulsed.

Kakuzu blankly walked down the hallway. He glanced at the fight going on and then looked away, continuing to walk. He came to the place where Zetsu was sticking out of the wall.

"Why hello there," Kakuzu said, patting Zetsu on the head. "You look like a nice chair, may I sit on you?" Before the grass nin had any time to say anything Kakuzu was already sitting on his head.

"Oh Kami, you were right ass does not taste good!" white Zetsu cried.

"Quick! Evasive maneuvers!" black Zetsu yelled.

And suddenly Zetsu was gone, and Kakuzu was sitting on the floor. He looked around and shrugged, moving his legs into a criss-cross position and humming.

Meanwhile, the artists were having problems of their own.

"How could you, Danna?" Deidara said, fake tears pouring down his face. "I thought I could trust you to risk your life for me, un!"

Sasori sweatdropped. "Like I said, dying does not sound pleasant right now, brat. Now stop crying."

The blonde looked at him with giant chibi eyes, giving the redhead his best puppy dog look. "But Sasori Danna," he whined. "You know you love me."

The puppeteer sighed. "Do not. Now go back to sleep."

"Un," Deidara sniffed. "Why are you so mean to me? I guess I'll go sit with Kisame Danna then."

Itachi stared at the bomber with wide eyes. "But Kisame Danna is my Kisame Danna," the Uchiha said, standing up to face Deidara.

"Aw but Itachi-kun," Deidara whimpered, becoming even more chibified.

"Deidara-kun," Itachi whimpered back, becoming chibified himself.

"Itachi-kun, un!"

"Deidara-kun!"

"Itachi-kun!"

"Deidara-kun!"

And suddenly they were surrounded by rainbows and sparkles, each still trying to out chibify the other.

"Dear Kami," Sasori muttered, walking back into his room. But once he was alone, he started crying fake tears. "Dei-kun is so kawaii!" he cried.

Meanwhile, Konan had taken possession of the knife once more. "Aha, it is mine now!" she yelled. "Now I can chop you all into small pieces at long last!"

Tobi slowly turned to face her. "Tobi thinks that Konan-san should give Tobi the knife," he said creepily, a dark aura forming around him. "Or else bad things might happen to Konan-san."

"Oh my fucking Jashin, Tobi's lost it!" Hidan wailed, running back into his room. "Jashin damn it all! You heathens shall be punished!"

And then Pein was there, looking seriously confused. All noises stopped, and everyone that was present in the hallway stared at him. "Okay. Why are Konan and Tobi fighting over my apple peeler, why is Kakuzu sitting in a corner humming to himself, why is Kisame singing songs to Samehada, and why are Itachi and Deidara so cute?"

Everyone immediately tried to look as normal as possible. Deidara and Itachi returned to their non-chibified selves, Konan took hold of the so called "apple peeler" while Tobi whined and pouted, Kisame hid his sword behind him looking very embarrassed, and Kakuzu stood up with a whimsical look on his face, not caring about his surroundings.

Pein sighed, rubbing his eyes. "I can't believe you guys…" he muttered. "And at four in the morning? Some of us aren't nocturnal, you know…"

"Sorry," Konan smiled. "It won't happen again, I'm sure of it." She cast a dark glance at the other Akatsuki members. "Right?"

"Yes Konan-san!" Tobi said quickly.

"Why of course, un!" Deidara said innocently.

"Yeah sure," Kisame said sheepishly.

Kakuzu made a grunting noise.

"There's a crack in the ceiling this big!" Itachi said, holding out his hands wide.

"I'm glad you all understand," Konan nodded.

Pein deadpanned. "Okay… now go back to sleep, all of you," he yawned, waving his hand. As they dispersed, the leader shook his head.

"There is not one sane person in this base," he mused.

* * *

><p><strong>Omg. I think I went too overboard with that one. I'm sorry, I'm writing this at about 2 in the morning while talking to my good friend YamiRyou and waiting for the new Naruto chapter to come out… not to mention that I'm hyped up on Mountain Dew… Man that is not a good combination... Hehe anyways don't forget to click that friendly little button that says "Review"! You know how much I love reviews by now, don't ya?<strong>


	7. On With The Missions!

**Hey guys I'm back! For those of you who didn't see the hiatus notice on my profile, I was being overwhelmed with school so I postponed writing fanfics till the end of May. But anyways… on to important stuff!**

**The results are in! The votes are as follows:**

**Crack: 5**

**Plot: 2**

**Half and half: 4**

**I choose: 1**

**So thanks to everyone that voted, looks like most of you still want crack but with a little bit of plot and not much angst thrown in. I will do my best to please you! Aaanyways enjoy the chapter and we'll get this thing a rollin! Mission Impossible has returned!**

**Oh and I think I abused the poor line button… ah well, it'll get over it.**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 7<span>**

It was quiet in the base the next morning. Today was the day they were all going to set out on their missions. Even when the Akatsuki was given low-ranked assignments, they knew from experience that anything could happen. A C-rank mission could turn into an S-rank in the blink of an eye. An enemy that at first seemed to be a lowly Chunin could reveal themselves to be a highly skilled Jounin, or even ANBU.

There was a sense of camaraderie among them as they prepared to leave – for how long differed between them.

Konan had called them together that morning and changed up a few things. Zetsu and Tobi had already left early as they do on every mission, Itachi was given contacts instead of glasses and seemed to have finally reverted back to normal (sort of) while Kisame was somewhat mentally stable again, Hidan was spending some quality time with his newly returned scythe and Kakuzu was slowly getting through his money withdrawals, and Deidara was loading his bags to the brim with clay while Sasori did a few check-ups on his puppets.

Konan and Pein sat together on top of the base in silence, watching the sun slowly make its way into the sky.

"You know," Pein said, the orange light reflecting off his eyes. Konan turned her head to look at him. "Those idiots have really grown on me."

The kunoichi smiled, looking back to the sky. "Looks like we got our family back, even though it wasn't exactly the way we planned. Right Nagato?"

A ghost of a smile passed over Pein's features. "Yeah."

* * *

><p>Tobi grumbled under his breath as they made their way to Otogakure. "Who does that woman think she is? Chasing me around with Pein's apple peeler… I gave him that apple peeler. I'm the true leader of the Akatsuki, she should know better than to use her evil demon woman powers on me…"<p>

Zetsu sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>"Danna!"<p>

Sasori sighed, turning slowly around until he was facing Deidara.

"Hey Danna, can I put some of my stuff in Hiruko, un?" he asked hopefully, gesturing to the giant bag he was dragging behind him. Sasori's eye twitched.

"I told you not to bring your entire store of clay with you, brat!"

* * *

><p>Hidan deadpanned. "I forgot my toothbrush."<p>

* * *

><p>Kisame stared at the plastic object he held in his hand. "Hidan forgot his toothbrush."<p>

Itachi facepalmed.

* * *

><p>Hidan frowned. "No there was definitely some other shit I forgot about…"<p>

* * *

><p>Kakuzu growled. "Why do I feel like I've been forgotten about?" He swung back and forth from the tree upside down, trying to loosen the rope tied around his leg. "Damn you Hidan!"<p>

* * *

><p>"Nah it probably wasn't too fucking important," Hidan shrugged, continuing on to Yukigakure.<p>

* * *

><p>Pein sweatdropped. "Is that Kakuzu hanging from that tree over there?"<p>

"FUCK YOU STUPID SQUIRREL GET AWAY FROM ME! I WILL FIND YOUR LITTLE SQUIRREL HOUSE AND STEAL ALL YOUR ACORNS AND SELL THEM! FOR MONEY! …I want my money…" Came the distant voice.

"…yep, that's him…" Konan replied.

* * *

><p>Deidara huffed, bored out of his mind. The bag of clay he was carrying now was significantly smaller than the one he had before. "So how much further is it to Amegakure again? Don't we have a base up there, un? It rains too much in that village. Your art sucks, Danna. That bird is giving me an evil look, un… I hate Itachi. Did you know his name means weasel? I don't like weasels. How–"<p>

"For the love of kami just shut up already!" Sasori almost yelled, eye twitching furiously. Deidara raised an eyebrow.

"But you never answered any of my questions, un. Eep!" The blonde jumped out of the way of Hiruko's tail, which seemed to have _accidentally_ tried to impale him.

"Just… be quiet brat…" the puppeteer said slowly.

And so Deidara was quiet.

For about fifteen seconds.

"How much longer is it until nightfall, un?"

"Gaaahh!"

Little did they know that someone was following their every move…

* * *

><p>Hidan sweatdropped. "Oh my fucking Jashin I finally remembered that one important thing that I forgot."<p>

He turned around and started running back to the base.

"My hair gel!"

* * *

><p>Itachi and Kisame walked in comfortable silence for the most part, one of them making an occasional comment every so often. It was a little past noon now, and they still had a long way to go until they reached Konoha.<p>

Suddenly the shark nin stiffened, and the Uchiha let out a small sigh.

"'Tachi?"

"I know." Itachi closed his eyes, then snapping them open again. "Mangekyou Sharingan!"

Kisame whipped around, drawing his sword and pointing it towards their opponents. "Hope you guys know who you're dealing with," he said, grinning and flashing his dangerously sharp teeth.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu stalked down the path angrily, disposing of the last of the rope that was connected to his leg. "I'm gonna kill Hidan the next time I see him…"<p>

Hidan zoomed by. "Hi fucker, bye fucker!"

The masked nin blinked, taking a minute to register what just happened. Then he turned around, running after the Jashinist. "HIDAN YOU BASTARD!"

* * *

><p>Pein growled. "I'm going to kill those two, immortal or not."<p>

* * *

><p>Zetsu blinked, staring at the giant… thing that stood in their path. "Uhh…" both sides said simultaneously.<p>

Tobi glanced at it for a moment, ceasing in his mumbled rant. "Ah I see," he nodded sagely, stepping towards it. "This is one of the gates of Rashomon, said to be able to stand up to nearly every attack thrown at it. Orochimaru, along with some guy named Sakon or something, are the only shinobi known that can summon it. I've never seen one in person."

"Are we going to phase through it or teleport to the other side?" white Zetsu asked, still hesitant.

Tobi waved his arm. "I got this." He formed a hand seal, gathering up his chakra… and then got sucked into the ground.

"Ha! That bitch deserved it!" black Zetsu laughed, looking down at the place where Tobi had disappeared.

"You're mean today," white Zetsu observed.

"Fuck you," black Zetsu growled.

White Zetsu sighed. "Let's just find Tobi."

* * *

><p>Sasori twitched. "Deidara, kindly explain WHY THE HELL YOU ARE IN HIRUKO WITH ME!"<p>

The two artists were squished uncomfortably together in the small puppet, and they barely had any room to make any kind of movement. Deidara shrugged. "There's people following us and I feel safer in here, un."

"You feel safer in – wait what the hell? ! There's people following us? !"

"Yep. They've been stalking us for like two hours now, un."

"…"

* * *

><p><strong>And here we begin to see the start of the plot! Mwuahaha. I hope you guys aren't too mad about the long wait for this. But it's summer now and school's almost out so I'll have waaaay more time to write, yay! Plus now that I've got a plot going it will be so much easier to write chapters for this. Anyways click on that spiffy new review button down there and leave me with a few words, mkay? Next update will come quicker, I promise!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

***sobs* I'm so terribly sorry for the wait, but I've been… wait for it… grounded. Plus I just got done moving into my new house and I just found out we're not going to be able to get internet service up for quite some time. TT_TT But I'll be able to go to the library about once a week so I'll still be able to post fanfics yay! Are those good enough excuses for the horrendously long wait? I am so sorry once again. But at any rate, please enjoy the chapter! And I just realized most of you guys weren't able to review the last chapter because I just edited it instead of adding a new chapter. I feel so stupid. I'll fix that soon, hopefully. I'll stop rambling now. Please read and review!**

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 8<span>**

Tobi glared around at his dark surroundings from under his mask, trying to figure out what just happened. "And of course the one time I try to do something I get sucked into the frigging ground…" he mumbled, starting to walk forward. "Zetsu better figure out how to get in here or I'm gonna kick his ass…"

* * *

><p>"Is this even legal?" white Zetsu asked from his position across from his other half, eye twitching.<p>

"Hell yeah it is!" black Zetsu yelled.

"Umm…"

"Shh someone's coming!"

The two halves of Zetsu waited quietly, yellow eyes trained on the figure coming their way. As soon as the person was within reaching distance, white Zetsu reached out and grabbed him.

The person started flailing wildly. "Aahh what are you–"

Black Zetsu jumped out of hiding. "WEDGIE!" he screamed, pulling the person's underwear over their head.

"Why the hell are we even doing this anyways?" white Zetsu muttered, facepalming. "Shouldn't we find Tobi instead?"

"That bitch doesn't deserve to be wedgie'd!"

"…you didn't take your medicine this morning did you?"

"Ha no…"

* * *

><p>Sasori growled. "Okay, let's get out of here and fight the shinobi that are tailing us. You get out first."<p>

Deidara sweatdropped. "Um…about that…"

He raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"I'm…haha…kinda…stuck, un?"

Sasori deadpanned. "Excuses, excuses…" Then he realized he was stuck too. That was when the panic set in.

"Noooo I'm claustrophobic, un!" Deidara wailed.

"Why did you come in here in the first place?" Sasori cried. "You've doomed us all! I told you not to eat that dango! It's finally catching up with you!"

"Are you calling me fat? !"

"I don't know anymore!"

"That's it, I'm blowing up this puppet!" Deidara yelled. "I need fresh air, un!"

"Noooo!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Art is a bang!"

"Art is eternal!"

"Fleeting!"

"Eternal!"

"Katsu!"

The artists didn't even get to finish their argument before they were blasted apart by an explosion.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu hummed, throwing Hidan's head up and down while he lugged the rest of the Jashinist's body behind him.<p>

"You're going to fucking pay for this," Hidan growled, glowering at his partner.

"What are you gonna do, bleed on me?" Kakuzu asked, deadpanning.

"…I hate you so much."

* * *

><p>Kisame finished off the last shinobi with a flourish, while Itachi stood calmly beside his partner and retracted his Sharingan. The two enemies that the Uchiha had trapped in a Genjutsu lay twitching on the ground, although there were no remaining traces of the others that the shark nin had taken care of.<p>

"Well, that was fun," Kisame remarked, strapping his sword to his back.

"I enjoy torturing people," Itachi said in a monotone voice, staring at the shinobi that were still under the effects of his jutsu.

Kisame sweatdropped. "At least he's back to normal…"

* * *

><p>Tobi cast a death glare at the wall that stood in his path. "Damn you, wall! I was so close to finding my way out of here but nooo, you had to come in and–" He stopped, realizing something.<p>

"Wait a minute, I can just use my eye powers to get out of here! Duh!" A vortex appeared around Tobi, sucking him into it. He re-appeared at a very… disturbing scene, to say the least.

"Thank Kami you're finally here!" white Zetsu cried, looking very stressed out.

"Umm…" Was the only thing Tobi could find to say.

Black Zetsu was on a rampage, giving every person in sight a wedgie and screaming random nonsense. He spotted Tobi and suddenly became somber, walking up to the masked nin slowly with his head bowed. "I have grave news," he said in a low voice. "Your son has joined the dark side."

Tobi twitched, whacking black Zetsu on the side of the head. With a giant rock. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Tobi yelled, continuously hitting the unconscious black Zetsu with the rock. "Act like an S-rank criminal, not a deranged lunatic!"

White Zetsu winced. "That's gotta hurt."

* * *

><p>Deidara laughed nervously. "Now, this probably wasn't the smartest idea I've ever had," he admitted, backing slowly away from the remains of Hiruko and a livid puppeteer. "Can we talk this out, un?"<p>

"Deidara," Sasori said slowly, eyes shadowed.

The bomber sweatdropped. _Oh shit. _

"It's one thing when you destroy Hiruko back at the base when I can fix it," he started, a dark aura starting to surround him. "But now we're out on a mission and I cannot repair Hiruko. What do you suppose I'm going to do about that?"

"Um…" Deidara turned around and started running. "Oh no, is that Pein I hear?" he asked loudly. "We better hurry up with our mission, un!"

"GET BACK HERE BRAT!"

"Crazy Danna! Crazy Danna! Run away from the crazy Danna, un!"

The shinobi that had been tailing the artists could only watch in horrific fascination at the childish manner in which the two missing nins fought.

* * *

><p>"So yeah, can I cash him in?" Kakuzu asked the bounty collector, holding the two parts of Hidan in front of him. "He's good and dead."<p>

"I'm not dead!" Hidan yelled.

"He says he's not dead," the bounty collector said, deadpanning. "I can't take him like that."

"Well of course he is," Kakuzu said, giving his partner an evil glare.

"But I'm not dead, dammit!" Hidan said, glaring back at him.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know." Kakuzu punched Hidan's head. "Do you feel dead now?"

"I feel happyyyyy–" Kakuzu punched Hidan again and effectively silenced him.

"Now, about that money…" But the bounty collector had already left. Kakuzu threw his partner's head against the wall. "Damn you Hidan!"

* * *

><p>Tobi huffed as he lugged black Zetsu behind him, white Zetsu following close behind. "This is absolutely ridiculous. I'm the only one that's allowed to act like a five year old on a sugar rush around here. I'm the leader of the Akatsuki! I can do whatever the hell I want! And–"<p>

Tobi's eye twitched. "Zetsu… you have ten seconds to tell me why you are BITING MY ARM!"

White Zetsu gave him puppy dog eyes. "Hungry."

The masked nin sweatdropped. "No. Just… no. Off of my arm right now. Be a good boy and maybe we can stop somewhere to eat."

"Hooray!"

"…why do I have to work with such morons?" Tobi asked himself, sighing.

* * *

><p><strong>It's a sad excuse for an update, isn't it? Anyways if you've never watched Monty Python, you have a very depressing existence. I've been completely addicted to that movie lately, if you couldn't tell by the references in this chapter. So I just barely got caught up with the manga and I found out Tobi's identity is going to be revealed in the next few weeks! Who's excited? I know I for sure am. He has to be Izuna! I am positive about that! I'm done ranting now. Hope you enjoyed and thanks for all your support! I will do my best to keep updating this fic, I don't plan on giving it up until it's finished! Don't forget to review, all you awesome people.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**NOOOOOO ALL MY DREAMS AND HOPES HAVE BEEN CRUSHED! DX WHY KISHIMOTO WHY? Those of you who have read Chapter 599 know what I'm talking about. -_- Frig you Tobi. Anyways… onto slightly happy things! I've totally been playing God of War 2 non-stop for weeks now (I've beat the game 6 times ^^), and I officially hate Medusa. :O Icarus is like crazy though and I got to steal his wings so I'm not totally against him anymore. XD And Zeus is just a pain in the ass. XP (Hahaha Pein in the ass! I just had to… *is stabbed*) Anyways I'll stop boring you to death with my video game life and let you read the chapter already. :P Since Itachi and Kisame only got one scene last time they get to start off. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter 9<span>**

Itachi stopped in his tracks suddenly, frowning up at the sky as if the clouds had offended him in some way. It wouldn't be too surprising, considering it had happened multiple times before on this trip. Kisame looked behind him, stopping as well. "What is it, 'Tachi?"

"What's our mission again?" the Uchiha asked curiously.

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Umm… we're supposed to go to Konoha and collect information on the nine-tails Jinchuuriki. Remember?"

"Ah yes, I remember now," Itachi said, nodding sagely and resuming a leisurely pace, seeming content now. "To foolish little brother we go. Maybe we can have some Ichiraku ramen while we're there."

"You know," Kisame said, raising an eyebrow, seeming a little thrown off by his partner's still somewhat unhinged mind. "I never really understood why you always called Sasuke 'foolish' little brother. You mind filling me in?"

"Hmm… well it's a very long story involving a clown, a fireball jutsu gone wrong, and a worm. Would you like to hear it?"

"…forget I asked…" Kisame said, deadpanning.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the two artists are finally back on track with their mission. But… how is Sasori coping with the loss of Hiruko?<p>

Deidara let out a distressed sigh as he walked, glaring holes into the ground. "I'm never going to be able to regain my dignity," he said in despair, trying to focus on anything except for the current situation.

"Silence, slave! Onward to Amegakure!" Sasori shouted from atop the blonde's shoulders. "Giddyup!" The redhead kicked his partner in the side, grinning.

Deidara's eye twitched. "What the hell, Danna? ! I'm not a damn horse, un! You're taking this too far!"

"It's your own fault for destroying my puppet," Sasori noted, folding his arms. "If you hadn't gone and blown up Hiruko, everything would be fine. But nooo, you had to go all 'Art is an explosion, Katsu, un, un, un,'" he said, mocking Deidara's voice and making wild gestures with his hands to imitate an explosion.

Deidara ground his teeth together. "Hiruko isn't the only one that's going to go Katsu in a minute, un," he mumbled.

"What was that?" Sasori asked, leaning forward and bending over to look down at the blonde, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

Deidara sweatdropped. "Nothing. Nothing at all, un."

* * *

><p>Hidan stared into the underbrush behind them while they made their way to their destination, head and body still being carried by his partner. "Uh… Kakuzu?"<p>

"Shut the hell up, Hidan," Kakuzu said irritably. "We still have a long way to go before we get to Yukigakure."

"But… there's some damn creeper following us," the Jashinist said, eye twitching. The shinobi that was following not so discreetly behind them grinned, putting a finger to his mouth as to say "Shh."

"You've pulled the same thing this entire journey," Kakuzu growled. "There is no one following us and I am not going to reattach your head to your body until we reach Yuki. Now shut up."

"Fuck you, money whore, he's right there!" Hidan exclaimed. "He's taunting me!"

The stitched nin growled, turning around to see no one in sight. "…there isn't anyone there, like I thought. Maybe you're hallucinating."

The shinobi reappeared after Kakuzu had turned back around, pulling down an eyelid and sticking his tongue out at Hidan. The Jashinist pouted. "Fucking creeper."

* * *

><p>Tobi sighed, letting his arms hang at his sides as he stared irritably at Zetsu. "Now that you're somewhat sane again, can we continue on to Otogakure?"<p>

White Zetsu nodded. "I'm good to go."

Black Zetsu blinked. "Did you know that two plus two equals fish?"

White Zetsu tried not to laugh. "He's still not in his right mind… I think you over-did it when you were hitting him."

"Oh well, it'll have to do," Tobi declared, waving a hand and turning around. "Let's get moving. Hopefully I won't get sucked into the damn ground this time," he muttered to himself.

Black Zetsu blinked again, lifting his hand and waving his fingers in the air. "Come back, puppets…"

Tobi sweatdropped. "Maybe I did go too overboard… you know, I got crushed by a rock once," he noted. "Wasn't a very pleasant experience. Nobody knows how I survived. Then I randomly decided to become evil! Yay. That is my life story."

White Zetsu deadpanned. "The hell?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, a certain snake was plotting. What was he plotting? Obviously not something too important.<p>

Orochimaru looked up, eye twitching. "What do you mean, not important? I thought I was going to be the main villain in this story?"

Well, that is still being determined. In the meantime, Itachi and Kisame–

"That's all the screen time I get? !" a chibified Orochimaru cried, fake tears pouring down his face. "Not fair!"

"I'm sure you'll get some more time later on, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto consoled, patting his shoulder. "Maybe we can go experiment on small children with kekkai genkais to cheer you up."

"Yay experiments!"

* * *

><p>Somewhere back at the Akatsuki base, Pein and Konan were making out.<p>

Just kidding.

It was more like this.

"…"

"…"

"…got any 5's?"

"Go fish."

"…"

"…got any 3's?"

"Dammit Konan! Why the hell are you so good at Go Fish?"

"…nobody knows, nobody will ever know."

* * *

><p><strong>Kinda short, really sorry about that. But I have some great ideas for next chapter! Is it obvious that I'm extremely upset about Tobi being<strong>

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**Obito? -_- Yeah. I'm pretty pissed. If it gets explained then I might change my mind but I still can't connect it together in my head. I believe Tobi is Izuna with all my heart and soul! DX I may never forgive you, Kishi. Anyways reviews are the antidote to this poisonous cheesy Mountain Dew. Nobody will understand that. XD Oh dear, the conversations I have with Cleverbot… Thanks go out to everybody who has dealt with my late updating-ness this long and supported this story! Luff you all! :D**


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